Mental Block

I am holding my breath...waiting for the right moment to breathe again. My eyes are closed my head is spinning. I am shrouded in a fog that I cannot see through. I am wading through an unknown and there are moments I feel alone. I wonder who I can turn to.. I wonder if I should turn to anyone. I am holding my breath and I am suffocating... It seems like waiting is all I'm ever doing these days. Waiting for paperwork. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting for people. Waiting for the stove to get warm. I feel as though I am going no where slowly and I am just waiting for who knows what. Hopefully, I'll look back on this post in a few months and know what I have been waiting for, because by then I would have surely experienced what I've been waiting for. Anyway, a month ago I was in Japan, in my tiny, messy apartment. Now, I am back in the room I grew up in. A room I decorated and painted. A room filled with so many memories, so much so that it feels as though I have been thrust ...

Currently, I am trying to let go and I am trying to do what I must. These two things feel like opposite ends of the spectrum, but at the same time maybe doing what I must is to let go. Either way, this does not take away the overwhelm. This does not remove the anxiety because what I am experiencing is normal. Any human being would feel overwhelmed when going through big life changes. I am moving from one country to the next. I am expecting reverse culture shock and new culture shock. A lot of things have been within my realm of expectation, but, boy, was my body not prepared. The physical anxiety, the breathlessness, the constant suffocating feeling, the feeling like I am drowning, and, oh my goodness, the restlessness. How can one be so tired, yet so restless? It's all counter-intuitive.  And yet, here I am.

Lately, I feel like I am in between realities: that which I live in and that which I desire. I want to feel connected to my spiritual self again, but I feel as though my ego keeps pulling me to whatever is in front of me.  What am I distracting myself from? What am I avoiding? What do I not want to come to terms with? I guess this is why people reach out to others. This is why you shouldn't face big things alone.  For most of June, I have not been social, or not as social as I was in May. At the beginning of June, I started feeling waves of exhaustion and before I knew it, it is one week away from the end of June and then it'll be a couple of weeks before my life changes again.  I don't feel ready. I thought I was. I know I just have to do what's in front of me, but at the same time, I need to keep an eye on the bigger picture. A while ago, I wrote a post on change. It seems like this situation I find myself in is calling for me to put those words into practice. I don...

 I need to clean out my apartment.   This apartment has been my home for the past 5 years and 10 months. It feels surreal to verbalise that. I truly think my younger self would be proud of me. I moved out at 23 years old and began life in a whole new country across the ocean in a different hemisphere.  This year I turn 30, and I am savouring my 29. I am happy with my twenties, I feel like I was able to get a little bit closer to my authentic self. I don't know all of who my authentic self is, but I want to continue to get to know her. I want to embrace her. My younger self would be happy to know that I am living the life I dreamed of. I am happy with my life. But I will miss my home. This tiny apartment that is mine. That has held me at worst. That made space for me at my best. This apartment has had joyful moments, intimate moments, and its fair share of fights, arguments, and breakdowns...This apartment remembers what I have forgotten. It has been my safe place, and it ...

I have encountered a wall. This wall feels terrifying, yet familiar. In my mind, I have been walking along the side of this wall, tracing it with my fingers as I explore it. I wonder when it got that tall. I wonder when it became so expansive. I wonder when it became so encompassing. I wonder when each crack formed. I wonder when each crack was repaired. I walk beside the wall and begin to cry. Why was it there? When did it get there? What is it dividing? What is its purpose? Has it been shielding me? For how long? Why am I faced with it now? I look deeper and keep walking. I am on the verge of finding a door or making one. This wall feels important.  I remember when I was a teenager and I watched a Swoozie animation video and he was telling a story about being guarded and guarding your heart. Even at church, I was taught to guard my heart. I feel like I took both messages very seriously. I remember telling my friend about how my heart is guarded by lasers and watchdogs and walls u...

After the implosion last week, I had to look inward and rest. I went to my friends place and we had lunch together. I had two dinners this week with two other friends and planning more as my time in Japan is coming to close. This week I also practiced gratitude. Reflecting upon the connections I have made and share with those around me, I was reminded about how blessed I am. I have family looking out for me, I have friends to vent to and laugh with. I am truly grateful for the people that I share my life with. And I am grateful that I have poeple to share my life with. I am starting to feel more whole, unsteady still, but whole. I am learning to unmask and be my authentic self. No matter how AuDHD it may be. It's rough because I still internalise rejection too much, and some times I am unaware of all my emotional processes and then get overwhelmed with everything happening inside of me. Even right now I am trying to process what I am feeling, instead of just intellectualising every...

 I don't know what is wrong with me today. My head won't stop hurting. My eyes want to cry. I feel hope and dread all at the same time. It feels as though I'm spiralling inward. It feels as though my thoughts are not my own. As though my emotions are a vague afterimage. As though I am gasping for air and yet no molecule fills my lungs.  Good things are happening in my life. Things are going as well as they could. I am reminded about how loved I am constantly.  And yet, every sound makes my ears ring. Everything is numb to the touch. My senses can't bare this existence. The cards might have been right. The tower appeared in a reading this week. When I saw it, I understood what was coming. I also understood that this is a time for perseverance. I feel lost. I feel as though I could just run away. All I want is for someone to take the reigns for a bit, while I rest.  Maybe I overestimated my capabilities. Believing that I could take on everything that I have. Even ...

Life has demanded change again and I am a willing participant this time. I look forward to what is in store for me, however, I am concerned.  I am not the same as I was when my last significant life change happen and I feel wildly unprepared. As much as I want change to happen...no, need change to happen, I feel as though I have been thrust back into the past.  I recall when I turned 18. My friends were getting their university acceptance letters and I was waiting for my au pair application to be accepted. It took months before my au pair profile even went online. By the end, nothing came of it. My future plans fell through and I decided to go to university instead.  I enjoyed university and a path to carve out my future seemed doable. I achieved some great milestones since.  I look back and think about how dreadful it was suddenly to be in charge of my future. I was only 18 and had to make so many life-defining decisions. I barely felt capable when I was 22. And now...