Chapter 26: Cleaning Up and Clearing Out

By Isla Skylark -

 I need to clean out my apartment.

 

This apartment has been my home for the past 5 years and 10 months. It feels surreal to verbalise that. I truly think my younger self would be proud of me. I moved out at 23 years old and began life in a whole new country across the ocean in a different hemisphere. 

This year I turn 30, and I am savouring my 29. I am happy with my twenties, I feel like I was able to get a little bit closer to my authentic self. I don't know all of who my authentic self is, but I want to continue to get to know her. I want to embrace her.

My younger self would be happy to know that I am living the life I dreamed of. I am happy with my life.

But I will miss my home. This tiny apartment that is mine. That has held me at worst. That made space for me at my best. This apartment has had joyful moments, intimate moments, and its fair share of fights, arguments, and breakdowns...This apartment remembers what I have forgotten. It has been my safe place, and it has been the place I wanted to avoid.

I remember a time when I didn't want to be enclosed within these four walls because it reminded me about how alone I was. Other times, I couldn't wait to lock myself within these four walls because the world became too much for me.

Now, with the time I have left, I have to clean out the space that was home to my twenties. I get to throw out things, pack things in boxes, I get to pack things into suitcases, and I get to give things away, This little life I built up...

How will my next chapter look? What experiences will my next decade give me?

 

Let's reflect.

I started my twenties in a courtship headed for marriage. Then I got engaged (that ended) and truly embraced my queerness (still continues). During that time, I taught nursery school, then studied, taught some more, and graduated. I also got to make out with two of my high school crushes. I got my first salary job and moved abroad. I met wonderful people from all over the world. My world got bigger, my world got more complicated, it became more colourful. Lifelong friends made, loves found and lost, and found again and lost again. I learned new skills, a new language, stepped outside my comfort-zone so many times, learned more about myself. Became more depressed, more anxious, more unhealthy. Then healthy again, built up strict routines, became professionally medicated. Still anxious, though. Sometimes I wish I did more. But at the same time, more can wait for next time...and I'm plenty satisified with what I have experienced thus far.


I am looking forward to 30. By the time I turn 30, I'll be in a different country with different opportunities and surrounded by new people from all walks of life. I am looking forward to it. I'm wallking into this new country without expectation, and I can't wait to see how I grow this time.

But first, I must clean up and clear out. All the memories, the stability, my comfort-zone. All will be meticulously sorted, stored, or thrown out. A clean slate. A new canvas for me to paint the next picture in this lifelong series I am creating.

I started my twenties co-dependent and somewhat lost...looking for someone or something. As I enter my thirties I am becoming self-reliant, independent and looking within for all that I need. 

I am happy. I am loved. I am finally looking forward to life again.

 

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