Chapter 7: Am I Back?
Slouching. Thinking. Coffee.
On Tuesday night I prayed. I haven't prayed proper in over a year. I prayed without expectation and a lack of belief in the words I spoke. I didn't know what to expect or ask for. So I said thank you and gave Him a life update. Like one of my 20 minute podcast voice notes I usually send to my friends.
When I left South Africa and moved to Japan, I felt like I was taking a step into the right direction. A direction I dreamed about for such a long time. Japan was the home I desired.
I also decided that I would be social. That I would drag that social butterfly out, which I knew in high school, and network, go out, and create a community of people who would become "my usual crowd". Let me say one thing. That did not happen. Well, it happened for a little bit, and then it died. And then I found myself closing up and shutting out the people I've come know here.
I decided that Japan will not be the place I find "love", but rather it will be the place of exploration. Spiritual and mental exploration; and growth. Emotional growth; and discovery. Self-discovery.
I guess that should be the goal of all big life changes.
It becomes the designated time to learn more about yourself (and the people around you).
When I got to Japan, I socialised and presented a cool-calm-collected version of myself. So that when people looked at me, they would find me interesting and want to get to know me. But I also came across as unapproachable, and I suddenly realised that this is something I did throughout my life (except, back then I didn't know I was being unapproachable).
This, however, did not stop my quest of "socialise and find friends". I made a few, kind of.
I also found that I could love, twice. Both epic fails and farces, and unworthy of being labeled as relationships. I remind myself, that I did not come to Japan for love or to make friends.
But, rather growth.
No matter how alone it is. No matter how depressed I get because I'm not fulfilling my Maslow’s need of social stuff and community. No matter depriving myself of the need to give back and serve. I just keep moving forward. Taking each day as it comes.
Today I find myself blogging about this lackluster attempt at 「living my best life」. Then again, I am comparing it to how I think it should be.
(How I think it should be: Travel, cultural emersion, socialise with the locals, actively get better at Japanese, getting involved in community events, more travel..).
I am not good at creating that version of how things should be. And I am not good at focusing my thoughts on creating it.
Instead, my mind is filled with saving to buy a new laptop that I am in need of.
It's planning, for my next vacation and wondering if I should go somewhere tropical or save up more and visit South Africa.
It's thinking about my future and my next step to my career development and wondering if I would ever be able to leave a mark on this world.
My mind is lost in stories found in series, stories found in Youtube, stories found in the news.
My mind is ploughing its way through overthoughts on emotions, relationships, friendships and a fear that I won't know what to do when Japan ends (if it ends, it'll probably end at some point).
My mind wonders if my body is okay; why does everything I consume not sit well, why does the sun and summer exhaust me so much that ruins my mood, why can't I get back on that horse and run wild through life? Why am I feeling the way I do?
Empty. Longing. Listless.
On Tuesday night I prayed. I haven't prayed proper in over a year. I prayed without expectation and a lack of belief in the words I spoke. I didn't know what to expect or ask for. So I said thank you and gave Him a life update. Like one of my 20 minute podcast voice notes I usually send to my friends.
When I left South Africa and moved to Japan, I felt like I was taking a step into the right direction. A direction I dreamed about for such a long time. Japan was the home I desired.
I also decided that I would be social. That I would drag that social butterfly out, which I knew in high school, and network, go out, and create a community of people who would become "my usual crowd". Let me say one thing. That did not happen. Well, it happened for a little bit, and then it died. And then I found myself closing up and shutting out the people I've come know here.
I decided that Japan will not be the place I find "love", but rather it will be the place of exploration. Spiritual and mental exploration; and growth. Emotional growth; and discovery. Self-discovery.
I guess that should be the goal of all big life changes.
It becomes the designated time to learn more about yourself (and the people around you).
When I got to Japan, I socialised and presented a cool-calm-collected version of myself. So that when people looked at me, they would find me interesting and want to get to know me. But I also came across as unapproachable, and I suddenly realised that this is something I did throughout my life (except, back then I didn't know I was being unapproachable).
This, however, did not stop my quest of "socialise and find friends". I made a few, kind of.
I also found that I could love, twice. Both epic fails and farces, and unworthy of being labeled as relationships. I remind myself, that I did not come to Japan for love or to make friends.
But, rather growth.
No matter how alone it is. No matter how depressed I get because I'm not fulfilling my Maslow’s need of social stuff and community. No matter depriving myself of the need to give back and serve. I just keep moving forward. Taking each day as it comes.
Today I find myself blogging about this lackluster attempt at 「living my best life」. Then again, I am comparing it to how I think it should be.
(How I think it should be: Travel, cultural emersion, socialise with the locals, actively get better at Japanese, getting involved in community events, more travel..).
I am not good at creating that version of how things should be. And I am not good at focusing my thoughts on creating it.
Instead, my mind is filled with saving to buy a new laptop that I am in need of.
It's planning, for my next vacation and wondering if I should go somewhere tropical or save up more and visit South Africa.
It's thinking about my future and my next step to my career development and wondering if I would ever be able to leave a mark on this world.
My mind is lost in stories found in series, stories found in Youtube, stories found in the news.
My mind is ploughing its way through overthoughts on emotions, relationships, friendships and a fear that I won't know what to do when Japan ends (if it ends, it'll probably end at some point).
My mind wonders if my body is okay; why does everything I consume not sit well, why does the sun and summer exhaust me so much that ruins my mood, why can't I get back on that horse and run wild through life? Why am I feeling the way I do?
Empty. Longing. Listless.
Isla Skylark.
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