Chapter 8: Opening my heart.

By Isla Skylark -


Growing up I was at loss of what to become in the future. What career to pursue. What skills I should hone to set me on that career path. And most of all, what job should I do for the rest of my life.


 


When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be like my mom: a nurse. When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a teacher like my dad. For a brief period when I was 9 years old, I wanted to become an archaeologist. Shortly after, I changed my mind and from 9 to 11 years old I wanted to become an "Earth Scientist" ( not that I knew what that meant at the time). But I was not a favourite of my science and math teachers, so I felt like I was not smart enough compared to their favourites. So I gave up. Eventually when I got highschool, I decided that economic safety is best and I should rather become a charted accountant.


 


This is where things changed. I felt inadequate constantly. I was put in classes where the majority of the students always averaged way above 60 percent and I would by some miracle make it by. My majors in high school was: Information Technology, Physical Sciences and Accounting (aside from the mandatory subjects like the languages, mathematics and life skills). I enjoyed these subjects, but it constantly made my intellegence feel inferior because my averages barely passed 50 or 60 percent.


 


In the eyes of my teen self, it felt like I was not good or great at anything. I told myself that as such as I like academics, academics did not like me... at all!


 


Eventually, I matriculated and I passed with the mininum criterion. But my report scores was not high enough to pursue a degree in the sciences nor accountancy. I was at a loss. The kid inside me was freaking out about the doors of my future closing slowly in front of me.


 


I took a risk and dove into something I wasn't bad at, but I wasn't the greatest at it either: English Language Studies (and Psychology). Somehow I got into a bachelor's degree programme and I began studying introductions courses in Geography, Psychology, English and Literature. I actually did well. Better than I thought. I was assured that my thirst for knowledge was still there and ever growing.


 


But as graduation came closer, I realised that I couldn't do much with the things that I studied. The future was more uncertain than it was when I was a teenager and even more daunting. Post grad year came along and I had to decide with path to take: English or Psychology. Before I knew it the windows closed on me (due to unforeseeable circumstances) and only one viable option approached me: Education.


 


After post grad, I graduated with a certificate that certifies that I can teach high school English and Geography. At least with this I was qualified to do something, but it was not what I wanted.


 


Now let's move to the point of my career backstory.


 


Currently, I help teach English in Japan. Do I enjoy it? Yes. Is it what I truly wanted in life? Not really.


This train of thought brought me to a place of understanding my desires and analysing what I truly want in life and not allowing societies standards and academic standards dictate what I can and cannot do.


 


What I truly want in life is to travel and see the world. What I truly want is to be a mother and wife. What I truly want is to love and be loved. What I truly want is to give and share the light that I hone within myself. What I want goes beyond defining a career and finding a job to fit a narrative that I didn't even create.


 


The kid inside me still wants to be an 'Earth Scientist' so she can seem smart, she still wants to earn wads of money to become economically stable, but most of all she wants to help the world and be loved beyond herself.


 


So I listen to her and I ask myself: Am I smart by my own standards? Yes. Am I economically stable even though I am not an accountant? Yes. Have I helped the world in anyway recently? Not much, ey. And am I loved beyond myself? Yes, I am. By my family, my found family, God and most of all, myself.


 


On my journey I keep meeting people who started doing one thing in life and at some point started doing something else... and maybe at some point they'll change again. What they have in common is that they are happy where they are at, at that moment. Life can allow you a freedom. It depends on your perspective. These people I meet give me hope that I don't need to fear not find a set career path, but instead I should equip myself with the tools that can help me adapt and change when I need to.


 


I have no idea what my future is, however when I'm in the right place I need to pay close attention to my soul and listen and feel and move.


 


Life is about growth. I will always choose a place where I can grow. If I need to uproot myself, then I must; and find a new place to grow.


 


So listen. feel. move.


 
Grow.


 


Isla Skylark.


30.08.18


17.15


 

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