Chapter 29: In Limbo

By Isla Skylark -

I am holding my breath...waiting for the right moment to breathe again.
My eyes are closed my head is spinning.
I am shrouded in a fog that I cannot see through.
I am wading through an unknown and there are moments I feel alone.
I wonder who I can turn to.. I wonder if I should turn to anyone.
I am holding my breath and I am suffocating...

It seems like waiting is all I'm ever doing these days.

Waiting for paperwork. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting for people. Waiting for the stove to get warm.
I feel as though I am going no where slowly and I am just waiting for who knows what.

Hopefully, I'll look back on this post in a few months and know what I have been waiting for, because by then I would have surely experienced what I've been waiting for.


Anyway, a month ago I was in Japan, in my tiny, messy apartment. Now, I am back in the room I grew up in. A room I decorated and painted. A room filled with so many memories, so much so that it feels as though I have been thrust into the past and in a battle royale with my inner demons.

And on top of that, people who haven't spoken to in weeks, months and years suddenly want to be part of my life again. The audacity!
It was as though the universe was testing to see how many f***s I have left to give.
The answer is, none.

If you actively participated to not be part of my life, there is no good reason for you come back into my life when I am going through a huge transitioning period...also, while I am facing past inner demons.

Seriously! 

Anyway... I am changing jobs and countries, and in this process there are some things currently not in my hands. Which has left me feeling useless, helpless and like I can't truly rest or be.
This feeling looming over my head is starting to feel like a weight on my shoulder that I just can't get shrug off. It's zapping my creativity, my energy, my will to keep existing. And yet, each day I wake, hoping the days would be different, wondering how I can make it different... Wondering how..where..is it possible to muster the energy to make each day different.

But each day feels as heavy as the last. 

Let's hope hanging out with my friend tomorrow helps.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chapter 9: A Post of Colour and Fire

By Isla Skylark -
Image
Last year, I saw the science behind making fire into different colours. There were multiple beakers and in each beaker, there was the standard flammable alcohol. The student and teacher began adding a reactant substance or chemical to each beaker. Lit the chemicals. And then the fires began to burn. In one beaker the flame was purple. In another it was orange. In another it was green. Each little beaker burning a different colour of fire. Today, I was thinking about what I've been experiencing in my dating experiences in the past year and a half. I realised that whenever I spoke about the people I have dated I tend to focus on how I was feeling and reacting in those experiences. I began thinking about what I want for future dating experiences. Aside from what I desire from a relationship and growing as a person, I want someone to bring out the best in me. This is when the fire experiment popped into my head. I began to ponder and realised that I am the flammab...
Read more

Chapter 30: Thirty (One)

By Isla Skylark -
It's been a weird year. Before I knew it, I found myself in a new country, a new job, and a new relationship. There were many times I wished I wrote or blogged, but alas, I did not. I had no strength, no mental or emotional capacity, and I kept finding excuses not to write. But before time flies even more than it has, I thought I should make a quick review post about how it has been being thirty. Turning thirty felt like crossing an invisible threshold, leaving behind the uncertainties of my twenties. Yet, the reality was more nuanced. The new country brought with it a whirlwind of cultural adjustments, from navigating unfamiliar social norms to deciphering a language that danced just beyond my comprehension. Each day was a lesson in humility and resilience. The new job, while exciting, demanded a steep learning curve. I often found myself questioning my capabilities, wondering if I had bitten off more than I could chew. Impostor syndrome became a frequent, unwelcome companion. Yet...
Read more

Chapter 7: Am I Back?

By Isla Skylark -
Image
Slouching. Thinking. Coffee.   On Tuesday night I prayed. I haven't prayed proper in over a year. I prayed without expectation and a lack of belief in the words I spoke. I didn't know what to expect or ask for. So I said thank you and gave Him a life update. Like one of my 20 minute podcast voice notes I usually send to my friends.   When I left South Africa and moved to Japan, I felt like I was taking a step into the right direction. A direction I dreamed about for such a long time. Japan was the home I desired.   I also decided that I would be social. That I would drag that social butterfly out, which I knew in high school, and network, go out, and create a community of people who would become "my usual crowd". Let me say one thing. That did not happen. Well, it happened for a little bit, and then it died. And then I found myself closing up and shutting out the people I've come know here.   I decided that Japan will not be the place I fin...
Read more