Chapter 23: Where did my audacity go?

By Isla Skylark -
Life has demanded change again and I am a willing participant this time. I look forward to what is in store for me, however, I am concerned. 

I am not the same as I was when my last significant life change happen and I feel wildly unprepared. As much as I want change to happen...no, need change to happen, I feel as though I have been thrust back into the past. 

I recall when I turned 18. My friends were getting their university acceptance letters and I was waiting for my au pair application to be accepted. It took months before my au pair profile even went online. By the end, nothing came of it. My future plans fell through and I decided to go to university instead. 
I enjoyed university and a path to carve out my future seemed doable. I achieved some great milestones since. 

I look back and think about how dreadful it was suddenly to be in charge of my future. I was only 18 and had to make so many life-defining decisions. I barely felt capable when I was 22. And now 7 years later my future awaits me again and life has demanded significant change. 

The dread is slowly creeping back in. I am reminded that I have more responsibilities now. I have a lifestyle to maintain. I have people that rely on me. And most of all, I need to continue to afford medication that helps me function normally. It feels like more things are at risk and I need to go through a reprioritisation in my life.

I want to believe that I am less alone this time. I want to believe that I have more support. I want to believe that I can rely more on others. But I find myself struggling to reach out. Struggling to trust. In the wake of almost trusting, memories come flooding in when people have failed me in moments when I needed them most. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I long to rely on my family and friends, but I can barely muster the energy or will to reach out. Forget romantic relationships. I am struggling internally with all my interpersonal relationships. 

Where did my audacity go? What happened to my capacity to welcome people into my life and keep them there? 
It seems the universe has revealed my challenge to make it through the incoming change. 
Learning to open myself up again. Learning to let people in and let them go all at the same time. 
Learning to look past failures and being open to starting anew. I've done that with my mom and I've done that with a friend I thought I gave up on. But how do I do this with everyone else, the old and the new?

I have learned that I naturally draw some good people into my life and yet, I struggle to maintain those connections. I mean no harm and yet...

All I want to do is cry in the arms of a loved one and feel safe again, but that requires security. 
And there is no security without trust. 

Or maybe I just miss my mom.

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