Chapter 21: Cathartic Writing on Love

These days I have had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind.

I've been longing to articulate them, but the will to start typing constantly left my body.

I miss writing. I miss the catharsis that came with it. I miss how easy it was to say what I was feeling. 

Nowadays, understanding myself has become a challenge. There are some days when I want to let it all go. Live in present, explore mindfulness. And some days I do. Other days I sleep.

Lately, love has been on my mind. Being in love. Exploring love. Remembering love. There is a past love that seems to be the hardest to heal. For some reason, every so often I remember it. I don't regret ending the relationship, I just miss the joy the relationship brought me. Being with my best friend. Growing and learning together. I miss the deep, true and honest love that came with it.

I am glad that was my first love. As I head into my mid-adulthood, I find that I cannot accept anything less than what my first love had offered me. I am glad he is content and living the life he longed for. I am glad that I am content and living the life I longed for me. I am sad that it is not together.

This brings me to how I feel about love now. It is a pain. A patriarchal thorn that I am painfully pulling out of my mind. Since I have been living alone, I have watched almost love come and go. I have watched what could be true, end before it could be something. I have watched myself give up and feel the wrath of guilt for giving up. I often wondered why I couldn't fight for love. I often why love left me. I often wonder why I gave up. 

Recently, I experienced a summer love. It felt like a warm hug from a kindred spirit. It wrapped me in light and gave me the truest hope. It was an honest love. A sincere love. A love we agreed would alter the moment they left. The moment they left was when I fully realised the state my heart was in. 

I didn't get attached. It felt the moments we shared were just that. The chapter was over. We moved on. I am okay with this. It shows how much I have matured. I know when to end things and I know when to continue. 

I remember an almost love from last year. He brought me joy. He cooked for me. He thought of me. He gave me time. I still remember the mornings we shared. I really wanted to love him. I really wanted to make things work. But that too, I ended. I ended it before it could bloom. We had dinner for my birthday. He loved me then. He was late for our coffee date. A recurring theme. But still, he loved me then. I stopped.

All this has revealed something I knew was wrong with me since I was a child.

I had crushes continuously. I didn't give myself a break from finding a new person to like. I was a lonely child. Always on my own or one of the boys. I spent a lot of time on my own. I think my reasoning was if I had someone to be with, I would always have a friend. I wouldn't always be alone.

Deep inside I knew that as much as the solitude was a friend, I too wanted a break from the solitude. 

Before I had my first boyfriend, I remember this guy I went out with for 2 weeks, I didn't actually like him. Which is why it ended. Then there was this guy I barely remember. It was my first movie date. Never mind my first kiss. It was somewhat forced upon me. See, I never actually wanted to be with a person. I just enjoyed liking them. Relationships for me have always involved detachment. 

That changed with my first love. He was actually my best friend. That was the first time I truly wanted to be someone. I longed for the connection. I wanted to invest all my time in this person. There were no ifs, buts, or maybes. I hadn't felt a connection like that. Yes, I have loved, since then. But those relationships always had a caveat. The other person not being honest with themselves and closing me out. Another, putting me on a pedestal and not seeing the real me. Another, a cross-continental long-distance relationship with no end of distance in sight. All these caveats, I had no control over...nor wanted. 

When did love have all these caveats? So do you fight? Do you fight against the odds, like in the movies? Do push yourself to stay, even when you know you're burning yourself out?

I left. 

Love was never supposed to break my mind, chip my soul and give me chronic pain. 

Love was never supposed to make me numb, hate myself and give me more abandonment issues.

Love was never supposed to be filled with suspicion, lack of self-awareness and insecurity.

I thought I was the problem. I still think I am the problem.

I have loved and lost. I am numb now.

All I can do is revel in the memory of a true and honest love. 

My friend made me feel secure. My friend was a place I could run to. I knew my friend would never leave me. My friend helped me heal and grow. My friend gave me a family that would make a special dinner for my birthday, My friend made me feel like family. My friend was a kindred spirit. I knew my friend knew me. My friend was my best friend. 

I felt no shame. I felt no guilt. I felt freedom. I felt understood. I felt loved.

This is the love I long for. 

This is the love I give. 

This is the love I would settle for. 

No less than this. 

My past self got lost in the "less thans", just for the sake of a break from solitude. 

I am no longer her.