Chapter 18: Momentum to step outside myself

By Isla Skylark -

Last week, I had a week off from work. As you may have noticed by now, I have been in quite the depressive and anxious state for a while now. So with this time I would have off, I thought long and hard about what I would do with it.

 

I knew I did not want to spend it in ‘otaku’ hermit-mode. And I knew that I wanted to spend it outside my usual routine. I thought about going somewhere, like a mini vacation. I thought I should spend it in nature. Anything outside my usual space was an option. But as the universe would have it, I spent it with people. People I haven’t seen in almost two years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising to myself that I chose people to spend my time on. Nonetheless, I did it.


It started with a terrace lounge and a DJ I thought was cute. It’s been a while since I had a crush on someone and this was probably to dopamine distraction that I needed. I decided to ride the dopamine wave. I took the momentum I got from that wave and used it to take myself out on a date of doing the things I found fun. I took myself to the cinema and ate the delicious cinema popcorn. I took myself to roller-skating and skated until my legs hurt. I took myself to coffee and got my favourite drink. I took myself to the arcades and played games until my fingers said “no more” and finally I took myself home and chilled out.
The next day I had lunch with a friend of mine – my senpai from high school. We had lunch. We hung out in the park ‘til the sun set. We had cocktails and the aforementioned lounge. And then we went to the club (as cute DJ boy was playing there).

 

Now, what you must know about me is that I have never had a typical club experience. I’ve only been to VIP lounge clubs, but never this. I opted for the role of confident young woman who is comfortable with her body and sexuality. I chose this role because I haven't played it before. I knew that I didn’t want to be myself for the night. I even lost my phone and relentlessly, drunkenly flirted with DJ boi that looking back on it, I cringe. As the club reached closing point, I took the final swig of my whiskey and the dopamine subsided. I no longer had a crush on the DJ boi, it all felt like an illusion. I remember standing outside the club and watched him go off with the people he knows. He glanced my way, but that’s all it was, a glance. I turned to my friend to figure out the plan forward. The sun was rising over Shibuya and I was drunk.

 

I found my phone the next day. I was hung-over and I had to do an online English lesson with my student later that day. That weekend I was faced with a contrasted version of myself. I had a potluck dinner with people who were at least 10 years my senior. These were the people I first hung out with at that lounge. It was fun, but there was no dopamine rush, and there was also no feeling of being “peopled out”. It was a neutral state. Yet, I felt uncomfortable. Not because there was no rush or because of the people, but because I was still shedding the previous role I played, and trying to figure out how to be this other person who was not exactly that. It was a good night and I had interesting conversations over wine and good food. I felt like I didn’t exactly fit with them at that moment. But I know that these are the sort of interactions I crave more than drunkenly flirt with a DJ or twerk at a club.

 

I was reckless, but I came back to myself. I feel peopled out now.

 

And I have never felt so happy and at peace being back at work and in my regular routine. I think I like this more. I can finally confirm with certainty, that the only all-nighters I prefer doing is either studying, gaming or binging anime/manga. I think that would be the truest version of myself. It’s the safest version of myself.

 

There are other realisations I had, but those are still not fully clear to me. And that’s okay.

 

It was good stepping out of myself and my routine. It was good interacting with others, so that I could get a clearer picture of myself and all its parts. It was good being uncomfortable. It was good having a crush. It was good doing all these things that I don’t usually do. It was good having these experiences and making these memories.

 

It was good. But that’s enough now.


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