Chapter 17: Me and My Body Image - Something I don't often talk about

Let’s talk about body image.

 

For as long as I can remember, I, like many women out there, have struggled with body image issues. Over the years, I’ve been learning to accept myself in all its parts. However, in moments like where I am now, I feel complete rejection for the way my body looks. Momements like these, come and go throughtout my life. But right now, this moment that I am in started two years ago when I met someone who was facing his own body image issues.

 

I wish I could have opened up more to this person about my own issues, but when we people look at me, they tend to not believe that I could have such issues or they don’t take it as seriously as I feel them. I portray myself as confident, but I don’t necessarily feel confident. Or cute or sexy or whatever adjective people use to describe the way I look or perceive me as. Except for pretty. I think I do have a pretty face.

 

Anyway, while talking to this person, he would often talk about his body image and what he is doing to better his image of self. Whether that would be eating differently or going to the gym or something to either lose weight and/or better himself. At that time, I would listen tentatively and be encouraging. Anything to make someone I care about feel comfortable in their own skin.

While listening to all this, in the back my mind thoughts of my body-image and self-image issues would start swirling and bubbling to the surface. And being the people pleasing person I am, I would ignore my own issues and triggers and continue listening without voicing my struggles or leaning on the other person.

 

I would often question if I should be doing the same thing. Should I see a dietitian and get some food related advice? Should I join a gym? Should I be doing more than what I was doing at the time? Do I need to keep up with this person? Will they love me if not doing enough? I am doing enough? Will I be enough? Is my body okay the way it is? And I would only see flaws when I look at my body.

At the time, I was also becoming even more uncomfortable with my femininity. I started wearing binders almost every day to flatten my chest and I started wearing more androgynous clothes. 

Fast forward a few months and we are in a pandemic and I was surrounded by loss and constantly overcome with grief. I started eating junk food more than home-cooked or fresh food. Depression settled in and I stopped caring about my own well-being and overall health. I only had the capacity to do the bare minimum to sustain myself and maintain my life’s responsibilities. My weight fluctuated. I stopped taking the pill. My weight fluctuated again. Stress-eating became the norm. Followed by feeling like constant garbage. To starving myself. Then stress-eating again. On the bright side at least I started drink more water every day (whenever I felt hungry). I transitioned from androgynous clothes to baggy clothes. To hide my extended belly and the jiggly bits on my arms and wherever else.

 

With eating one meal a day, sometimes two, and some daily moderate exercise, I slowly started feeling a sense of happiness return. I started losing weight again. I also started building muscle and I felt stronger. Until, I got a hormonal IUD.

Each woman is different and different hormones affect every woman differently. The depression became worse again. And my anxiety started becoming too much. Once again, my body started changing. I kept gaining weight, even with moderate exercise daily. But I no longer wanted to starve myself. I wanted to get in tune with my hunger cues. I didn’t want to keep eating in a calorie deficit. I didn’t want to keep feeling like shit.

 

My body has become more womanly and I feel uncomfortable with it. I have a curvier belly, my thighs and butt as still very genetically voluptuous, my arms have become flabbier and face has become more rounded. I feel heavier. I notice these things. I feel these things. These things bother me.

It’s good that the media has become a bit more body positive, so the messaging around me is helpful to find some sort of acceptance. But those old conversations with my friend from back then still pop into my mind. And I begin comparing myself again. I begin to judge myself harshly. I begin to wonder if I am doing enough. If I even love myself enough because why do I continue letting myself feel like shit when I could probably do something about it?!

 

I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I portray a confidence I wish I felt. It’s been 28 years and I am still struggling with my self-image.

Maybe it is time to cut unnecessary things out my diet like processed sugars and alcohol. But even then, I don’t think that would solve the problem. Even at my “skinniest” or “healthiest” or “sportiest” self, I still struggled to accept and truly love myself.

 

With that said, I am grateful for my body, and I am beginning to show it a little more kindness. Hopefully that helps a little.