Chapter 15: Ruminating Thoughts

By Isla Skylark -

 I want to cry. 


Everything makes me cry these days. It is as if my heart has a bleeding wound. Constant oozing of something...emotion? Pain? Anger? Sadness? Regret? 

I have been struggling with social situations lately. Actually, I think it's since last year when too much loss occurred in my life. 

See the problem isn't with me interacting with people or being in group type social environments. And I don't think it's because of the pandemic either. As I am a teacher and teaching is a fairly social job especially when you have to go to work during a pandemic. 

Anyway, back to point. I've noticed that group environments are too distracting for me. I can have fun, but I find it hard to make authentic connections. I never used to socialise just for fun. There was always a purpose. When I'm with my friends, it's usually fine. The purpose then is to connect and spend time with them. But when there are people I don't know. I begin the journey to get to know everyone in the room, and then I find myself not spending time with the people I actually wanted to spend time with. 

This is where the ruminating begins. When the social stuff is over, and I sit on my train heading back home, my brain turns on me. 

Every failed interaction. Every distraction. Every conversation. Every unfinished conversation. Every observation. Every plan. Every bit of information. Every interaction with people. Swirls around in my mind on repeat. Every failed interaction. Every distraction. Every conversation. Every unfinished conversation. Every observation. Every plan. Every bit of information. Every interaction with people. Swirls around in my mind on repeat. 

It continues for days. Until the memories become old and I convince myself that everyone was drunk so no one would have noticed any of my social failings or missteps or take my distractive nature to heart.

It drives me insane. I wish I could just look at the night and say "that was a great night, I had fun". This hasn't just been happening with group social interactions. It's beginning to seep into my work interactions and social media interactions. 


Could I just not have a break from my brain? I thought social things should help with depression. Instead, it's triggering my social anxiety on a level I haven't needed to deal with since childhood. 

I have come so far. Why does it feel as though I am regressing? I want to cry.


My heart bleeds. I long for a safe space. I am trying to create it. I do not like the person I am now. 

I feel incapacitated by mental health struggles. I feel alone. I feel as though I do have people around me, but I have forgotten how to be myself around them. Masking has become so normal to me. I haven't really masked this much since high school and when I lived with my parents. I find it heartbreaking that I mask in a place that became my second home. 


I was okay. And then I wasn't. Then I was putting myself together with a new determination. Then that determination was clouded and then slowly deteriorated. And now I am here. 


Twisted in thoughts I don't want to have. Feeling like I need to swear people off. But that won't happen. Because I cannot be a slave to the worst parts of my mind and I have to build deep connections with people. Even though it gives me chest pains and it feels like I can't breathe. Even though people are exhausting. Even though masking is the norm and that is doubly exhausting. I have to do it. 

Until I can't.



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