Chapter 12: Under Personal Review

Lately, I have been caught in a thought cycle, a loop of sorts. By lately, I mean since roughly 2017. Sometimes I forget about the cycle and everything seems normal. Then there days, weeks, months where the cycle eats at my brain. When that happens, I am reminded of the title of this blog: "Mental Block". That is what the cycle feels like: a mental block.

 

It feels like I'm on the edge of making an important self-discovery or a breakthrough I've been needing or an epiphany. But the breakthrough doesn't happen. An epiphany never occurs. And the cycle is forgotten. Until it happens again. Then I'm left with the awaiting emptiness of an important self-discovery that never occurs.

Now, back to the title of this blog. What you may not know, if you're a recent visitor to my blog, is that this blog has gone through many iterations. When I first started this blog, I was 15 turning 16 years old. It was the place where I wrote about my day, my week, what was happening in school, what was happening in my life and so on. I used it as my online journal. Back then I journaled a lot. I loved writing. I loved putting every thought and feeling out onto "paper". I longed for my words to escape my mind and enter my reality and I wanted people, my friends, to know my words.

My blog at the time was titled "Cool Purple Bunnies". It was inspired by first internet crush and inspiration, "Charlieissocoollike", my favourite colour and an animal I used to associate with. I was once nicknamed "the ninja bunny" by some close friends of mine. I also created a side blog about deeper, more private things. I think it was called "AboutCoolPurpleBunnies".

The internet started becoming what it is now, and I realised that "Cool Purple Bunnies" could be associated with me forever. I became concerned for my future career and the life I would eventually lead. The name needed to change. I was 17 turning 18. It was then when I changed it to "Opinionsalike". This title and url change rolled well off the tongue. It also reflected my shift in content. I wanted to talk about and discuss thoughts and opinions about the world and its ever-changing nature. The title also kept my homage to Charlie. At this point I created other blogs in addition to my existing side blog. "AboutCoolPurpleBunnies" turned into "AboutOpinionsalike". The other blogs were for my story telling and my mental health and emotional struggles. About Opinionsalike became more of what Opinionsalike used to be. And Opinionsalike became opinions instead of feelings.

I guess all blogs and changes reflected the shifts that was happening in my life at the time. There were a ton of things that were happening. My parents disappointed me again, my brother moved to NZ (he came back eventually), my father cheated on my mom, my mom discovered the mistress, I was "rediscovering my faith" and deepening my understanding of my spirituality, I took a gap year with no plan, then decided to apply for university and I entered a long-term romantic courtship with one of my best friends. I'm sure there were other things, but these are just the highlights.

In retrospect, these blogs helped me process the myriad of things that were happening in my life. Each blog became a compartment to place my thoughts and emotions. We are complex beings after all.

The blogs remained, but Opinionsalike and About Opinionsalike changed again.

I was about 20 years old, Opinionsalike turned into Mental Block. I wanted to express my thoughts in a critical way. I needed a place to explain my emotional and mental processes, but also just random opinion based story-telling of my experiences and observations. I wanted Mental Block to have chapters, and so each post would come to have a chapter number and a title. You may be wondering why there aren't many chapters out since I made the blog title change. I am 27 now and I made the change when I was 20. Well, my dear reader, those earlier posts became drafts and I've "restarted" this blog many times. I did this because, I either became uninspired and stopped writing, I just stopped writing all together, or I changed my mind on what kind of things I would post. I think this current version of Mental Block has been around the longest since that change almost 8 years ago.

Now, About Opinionsalike turned into "@Art Poetry". I have been writing since I was 9 years old. I remember when my dad gave me one of his extra planners and I started writing short stories, none of which has ever been completed. Then when I was roughly 11 years old, I discovered poetry. Words came to my fingers and it felt good. I could translate the overwhelm of emotions within my soul. As the years went by I kept writing. Most of it were very personal and not very good writing. Then I wanted to write timeless and relatable poetry, artistic poetry. I wanted my words to inspire others. I wanted to make others feel the way I felt when I read Shakespeare or Keats or Rossetti. I wanted my words to ignite a flame. A fire to create. What I didn’t realise to do, was to put my words out into the world. That only occurred when I wondered what to do about "About Opinionsalike". However, when I realised what I should do, I drafted years and years of posts filled with my teenage stories, and began retyping poems I’ve written that I deemed suitable for public consumption. And so I created my pen name and @Art. I feel as though my pen name has more creativity than the title for my poetry blog (which is supposed to be the hub of my creativity).

Oh and regarding my pen name, it has undergone iterations as well. At first it was about bunnies being cool and purple, then it became my gamer tag, which I shall not mention. I realised that I wanted to have separate identities for now, since the gaming world is full insensitive trolls and have no mercy for budding writers. In addition to that, I want to create two separate beings. I work better in compartments that whole with many facets.

Now, you may have read this post and the title and for some it would have become clear. I have reviewed myself under the lense of my blog journey. Every thought cycle resulted in a change in my blog. Writing has always helped with the thought cycle. The ever occurring loop that continues plague me. The loop that makes me feel dread, as if I will never reach my breakthrough. Writing, blogging, these things help. It helps me put my thoughts into perspective. But lately, this has not been enough. The cycle keeps extending its stay, it visits more often. Dread looms over my mind more often than it should.

I am under review for I need to face the block that has been present in my heart and mind for the past, almost, 8 years.

I guess it’s time to reflect, explore, process and realign.