Chapter 20: About my Mind

 It is about time I talk about my mental health journey.

Over the years I have always thought that I was quirky but normal. I thought that I just had "an abstract way of thinking and processing". I understood people but people did not understand me.

Eventually, I started dating this person. He understood the mind, more than most, and he started explaining myself... to me. 

I learned that I had anxiety disorders. I began to be able to assign words to depressive symptoms. I finally had the vocabulary to understand my heart, mind and struggles better. My mind was definitely not "normal". 

It explained why I could see the patterns when others couldn't, it explained why I made many mistakes but expressed wisdom. It explained why my thinking was abstract and why I lived outside myself.

I was in survival mode. My mind and body did what they did to cope.

I redefined myself as anxious but high functioning. Because I learned ways to "cope" and seem normal while being undiagnosed. 

The shock I had when I learned that most people don't have thoughts of killing themselves or self-harm. The shock I had when I learned that most people don't get overwhelmed by their surroundings and by people.

The fucking shock I had when I learned that most people don't struggle to get out of bed or have trouble sleeping for months on end.

I always believed that each person had their own struggles. Especially, the struggles they did not voice to the world. I always knew that I was one of them. That at least my struggles had to be similar to someone. 

I always attracted like-minded individuals. I had a subconscious need to find people like me and I did. I have always had a knack for finding quirky individuals like myself. It was great. I didn't always feel alone.

But I often did feel lonely. The deep hole I will desperately fill until I reach my end. I sense as though I was born with this hole. I was always aware of this hole. So much of my childhood and innocence was sacrificed to this hole. I was born with a mosaic heart. I was never complete or fulfilled. And I never will be. I have accepted this.

I always felt different and broken. I was told that I was different and chosen, I was told that I was a princess and holy in the eyes of God. I was told that I was set apart because the bible said so. 

But why? Why does it mean all the things that I have experienced?

Anyway. (More to unpack at a later date - if I remember)

Later on, in my early adulthood, my friend asked me if I had ADHD. I seemed to show the symptoms of an individual who has ADHD. I didn't want to accept this. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder). At that time, this diagnosis made sense to me. It defined so much for me and my lived experiences. I think I still have it but in a different way. The reason is, that I have been treated for ADHD and other(?) since then.

So.

Let me take you on the journey of when I decided to finally get tested for ADHD. I had to do a self-assessment, and I had to get a parental assessment done. My parents believed and still believe that I do not have any mental health disorders, especially ADHD. They attested that I was a perfect child who always kept to herself and achieved straight A's in everything she did. And I was that. I still am that. I just had a crippling fear of failure and I lived in my over-achieving brother's shadow. No wonder I seemed "perfect".

But to have my own lived experience denied, misunderstood and questioned by my parents is a whole can of worms that would take a separate blog post to unpack. The point is, that my seeking treatment for my mental health struggles, was made harder by my parent's denial.

So the doctor affirmed my GAD and put me on anti-anxiety meds. After about 6 weeks, I was put on ADHD meds with the Anxiety meds. Things were looking up, by insomnia was still a big problem (as it will always be - it seems). Then, things weren't working as well as they should have. Dosages were adjusted. Things were feeling okay...ish. 

Life. Things. Relationships. Isolation. Seasonal Depression took hold.

And then the suicidal ideation made its return. Then the thoughts of self-harm finally manifested. Even now thoughts of self-harm seem blissful. And then I was off the anxiety meds and put on Lithium- for about a week. But the Lithium was a bit harsh on my body and I was put on some mild anti-psychotics. And strangely enough, this combination of ADHD meds and anti-psychotics (aka quetiapine fumarate) has made me feel more normal than I have even been (or at least that's what it feels like). I can just imagine once I manage to make some healthier lifestyle changes, then I would have a fairly normal life.

But to be honest, those lifestyle changes and new habits are hard to make. I am scared of feeling normal. abnormal is all I have ever known. I don't feel ready for my new normal. I don't feel like I want it. Struggle is what I know. Struggle is what I am used to. Pain is a friend to me. Myself, I am my best friend. 

So, I take smol steps. I define what I want for myself. I go for walks. I step out of my comfort zone when I have the energy. I am not ready, but I am trying.

And it is hard.  

My parents and my faith taught me to fight the world. 

But no one, not one person, has ever prepared me to fight against myself. 

I think that was what I have been seeking the most. For every internal struggle I have faced, people, mentors, parents, and counsellors have redirected me back to myself. They have said, "I am me and I have always been faithful and strong, I have overcome many things. I can overcome this too."

I fear that there will come a time when I won't have the strength or courage to "overcome" myself and my eternal self-absorbing hole.

How do I find a way to fight, accept and love myself, without giving in to the abyss?