Mental Block

 My previous post was a heavy one.  I miss my past self. She was innocent and kind. Not saying that my present self is not. It's just that I have become an "adult" and those things seem a bit removed from my present self. However, I've been assured that I still bare them. Anyway. I am struggling to move forward. I am honestly betting on my moving and my future self to do things I presently cannot do. I feel like I am locked in a certain mindset and I cannot find a way out. I hope that throwing myself into the deep end will light a fire in my soul to be more than who I currently am. I want to create things. I want to add to the world. I want to make my dreams come true as I have learned I can. I want to find opportunities and make opportunities. I want to redefine my life and my identity. I have so much of the world in me. I want to explore it all. I want to give myself all the love I have given to others which I had not spent on myself.  I want to rekindle the bubble ...

These days I have had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind. I've been longing to articulate them, but the will to start typing constantly left my body. I miss writing. I miss the catharsis that came with it. I miss how easy it was to say what I was feeling.  Nowadays, understanding myself has become a challenge. There are some days when I want to let it all go. Live in present, explore mindfulness. And some days I do. Other days I sleep. Lately, love has been on my mind. Being in love. Exploring love. Remembering love. There is a past love that seems to be the hardest to heal. For some reason, every so often I remember it. I don't regret ending the relationship, I just miss the joy the relationship brought me. Being with my best friend. Growing and learning together. I miss the deep, true and honest love that came with it. I am glad that was my first love. As I head into my mid-adulthood, I find that I cannot accept anything less than what my first love had offered me. I am gl...

 It is about time I talk about my mental health journey. Over the years I have always thought that I was quirky but normal. I thought that I just had "an abstract way of thinking and processing". I understood people but people did not understand me. Eventually, I started dating this person. He understood the mind, more than most, and he started explaining myself... to me.  I learned that I had anxiety disorders. I began to be able to assign words to depressive symptoms. I finally had the vocabulary to understand my heart, mind and struggles better. My mind was definitely not "normal".  It explained why I could see the patterns when others couldn't, it explained why I made many mistakes but expressed wisdom. It explained why my thinking was abstract and why I lived outside myself. I was in survival mode. My mind and body did what they did to cope. I redefined myself as anxious but high functioning. Because I learned ways to "cope" and seem normal while ...