Chapter 11: A story untold

Yesterday, I had a long phone call with my cousin. She is my mothers sisters daughter. We spoke about many things. We caught up with each other. We vented. We laughed. I spoke to her sons...They're all grown up now. I used to babysit them, just like she used to babysit me. My cousin is almost 20 years my senior and she knew a lot more about our family than I could have ever known.

During our conversation, I asked her some questions about my family that my mother could not fully explain to me growing up.

Growing up, my mother never really spoke about her parents or what it was like growing up in a poor household. She told me stories about how she failed grade 1 because of family circumstances. She told me how small the house was that she grew up in. She told about the, sometimes, more than 10 people she had to cook for when she only 10 or 13 years old. She told about her becoming a door-to-door sales lady when she was a teenager. She told me about when she was probably 5 or 6 years old and she had to beg for food on the street because her mother was an alcoholic. She told me about when she was able to go to nursing school when she finished grade 10. She told me about how hard she studied and worked. She told me how she never really knew her mother. She told me about how her aunt damaged her hair. She told me about how my grandfather worked in construction and how he's father was probably one of the European settlers, but no one really knows the full story.

But she never went into too much detail. Maybe she drowned out the details because life was filled chaos and challenges (to put it lightly). She didn't have an easy life. Her family didn't either. I really wanted to know more about my grandparents but she could hardly tell me about them.

See I knew my great grandma was a slave, and that she had my grandmother before she met my non-biological great grandfather. My great grandma was Rachel. My biological great grandpa is unknown. My grandma is Mary and my grandpa (non-biological great grandpa) is Isaac. This was all I knew about this strange family dynamic.

During the phone call with my cousin I enquired further.

She told me that Isaac didn't marry Rachel, but he bought her with my grandma. She told me that Isaac had children with Rachel and when Rachel fell ill, he had children with Mary (my grandma). She told me about how Rachels son didn't approve of Mary having Isaacs children and blamed her for it. She told me how Rachels son kicked Mary out with all her children because the house wasn't big enough. She told me how my Mary began drinking and how my mother, who was only a small child, had to take care of her mother.

Learning about how my grandfather bought my grandmother and her mother, broke my heart. Learning than he decided to have children with a young woman who was supposed to be in his care...(probably against her will) caused anger to pulsate through my veins. Knowing that I am here today because of ill will, negligence, probably rape, slavery and unchecked patriarchy...this has all made me feel hurt and broken ..I want to cry... no wonder my mother never told me the full story of how she came to be.

But back then it was probably normal. South Africa was coming out of slavery and colonialism and later into apartheid. It was probably more commonplace for situations like this to occur in society back then.

As my cousin told me this, I couldn't help but think that I needed to be kinder to my mom. I have so much love for her and I am so proud of how far she has come in life. She has struggled so much.

I keep wondering about Rachel and Mary's stories. All Rachel's daughters have passed away now. I wonder who Mary's father was. How did he and Rachel meet. Was Mary a love child or was she the consequence of rape or was she just unplanned. Where did Rachel live before she met Isaac. What kind of work did she do. What led to her being sold to Isaac? Did she learn to love him? What kind of mother was she? How did she feel about Mary? How old was Mary when she was bought with her mother? I wonder what kind of relationship Mary and with Rachel? Did they choose their names or were their names given to them? I wonder about Rachels parents and family. Who are they and where are they now? I wonder if my mother and her siblings would have been slaves if slavery wasn't abolished.  I wonder how Rachel must have felt having her eldest daughter be used and thrown away like that. Now I don't know if there was love between Isaac and Rachel and even Isaac and Mary. I don't know if consent was ever given or was even required. I don't know if  Mary ever truly loved her children. I don't think Mary was happy because at the end of it all she drank herself to death. I don't think she knew to live or cope in a situation she could did not choose. The more I listened to my cousin the more I realised how helpless my grandma must've felt. Her mother died and her half brother blamed her for my what Isaac did to her. She had no one. I don't think she ever knew her biological father or who he was. Such was life back then.

Yesterday, I learnt that my great grandma was a slave and that my grandmother came as an attachment. My grandfather bought them. And now everyone only tells stories of his life and I hardly know anything about the matriarchs that preceded me.  

I don't know much about my dads side of the family but I don't think it's as messed as my mothers side.

At the end of it all...

My heart is broken for my mother and my aunts for they had to go through a fuckton of shit because of the men in their lives. My heart is broken for the stories untold by the matriarchs I will never know.