Chapter 10: Reflection hurts, but it also heals

I don't feel inspired to write. I do, however, have many thoughts. It's also high time I update this blog. 

Last year was a bit of a rough one. 

I reached a different, unexplored and unexpected low in my mental health. It was hard. I lost loved ones and could not be with my family. I lost friendships and close people moved away. 

The battle to not feel alone, when alone was what I was , was an uphill battle that never ceased. It was hard. I felt hurt. I felt afraid. 

Afraid of the feelings I was feeling. Afraid of the change. Afraid of the pandemic. Afraid of work. Afraid to be alone. Afraid that my life was going to remain one where I would constantly say farewell and goodbye to people. So afraid of myself. Afraid of my mind. Afraid. Scared. 

 

I began to emotionally disassociate to cope. I felt so drained and tired. Exhaustion became a frequent visitor. It was hard. I stopped feeling for a while because I needed to. 

I pulled myself out of my head and dragged myself to be present with myself. To be present in my life. 

And so, through the social anxiety, I went to have dinners with new, budding, friends (socially distanced of course). It was exhausting. 

I briefly experience some good feelings for once. It lasted for about a month, until the dread kicked back in. But it gave my heart a break. It was nice while it lasted. 

It reminded that if I remain closed to people, if I continue to live in fear of losing friendships, if I continue breaking myself down.. my walls will remain up and my heart will harden. I would truly be alone.  

I learnt about the things I need. I learnt about what I need and expect from the people in my life. I learnt about what I need to be and do for myself. Through the heartbreak, the exhaustion, the numbness, the overwhelm..these things became clear. 

I'm learning to set my resolve and remain steadfast within it. I'm finding the courage to not accept less than what I need and deserve. I'm resettling within myself. I'm treating myself with honesty and kindness that I deserve. 

This is a challenge though and there are days that I don't feel like deserve the grace and kindness that I need. 

Last night, I was listening to a podcast and I was reminded of the transience of life and of the present-self. This made me look back to journal entries from 10, 11 years ago. 

Back then, I was in a transitioning period in my life. 

I spoke about risk and certainty and anxiety. 

I was reminded of how much the same I still am. I was reminded of my resolve back then. I was reminded of how much I didn't know about my future. I was reminded of the uncertainty of it all. But I had faith and hope back then. I was so grounded in my Spiritual faith back then. 

I always battled with reliquishing control. When I stepped into my present chapter of life, I became even more controlling over myself and my life, because I felt that life demanded it. 

As I near the end of this chapter, I begin to feel the dread once again, I don't have the strength I used to have in my Spiritual faith and I oftentimes I feel lost. 

But knowing my past and present, I begin to release myself to the transience of life. I begin to become certain of myself and who I am. Who I've always been. Who I'll remain. I will change sometimes because life changes. 

My hope for myself is to strengthen my resolve, not accept or settle with anything less than I deserve and to bring myself to space where I am at peace with myself and the transience of self and life.