Chapter 5: My Last Breath

By Isla Skylark -
Every breath with a whistle from my nose, chest repelling the air I wish to consume, absorb. Heavier each breath. Why must it be like this? Why must I feel like this? Why am I so critical concerning people and myself?


I decided to move and live at my own pace. Each day, however, with each social interaction, I find that the pace of others pull me in like a nagging ocean current, dragging me towards the unmovable rock in my line of sight. At that point I stand up and get out of the water...out of the pool of social interaction that make me question my existence in that group from whence I came.


I decided to change. To stop being cooped up in my own silence. To stop being indecisive. To stop being the shy person I inately am. To stop being so guarded. To be more like the self I wish  to become.


This shall not remain a wish.
I used to be all these amazing things. I miss that person. I miss being the person who would rally a crowd on a sports day. Who would show hundreds of kids dance moves. Who spoke in front of hundreds of people with ease. Who networked so well that to this day those people are still my go to references. I miss being that version of myself... I am getting there. I jealous of those who are at that place. I want to be at that place!

I find that I cannot socialise without a goal. Without a connection or shared interest. Without depth of personality. I need people of importance and value in my life. I wonder if I'll find any here.


So here I am with a new sense of freedom at my fingertips. I am realising that I need to get caught up in more moments with others. To share ideas and dreams with those around me. To learn a new language and assimilate into the culture I am surrounded by.
I don't know how to let people in anymore.


I am closed off, but to myself.


Each day feels like I am taking my last breath, ready to dive deep in the oceans of wrinkles and ripples from all the people it has touched...ready to drown in my thoughts..

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