Chapter 1: ..Tired
One thing after another. That has been 2016 for me.
I have never wanted a year to end this badly as I have this one. It seems like the number "16" is not a good one for me.
Some backstory: When I was 16 years old, I fell in love. Then that love broke my heart and that was the first time I felt true heartache. Losing love. In the year 2016, after four years of regaining that love, I lost it again- or rather I fell out of love, thus it wasn't really losing love. However, that realization was as painful as losing love. But this is not the only issues I've had with the "16's". When I was 16 I realized that I was a depressive, despite my optimistic functioning. In 2016, the depressive nature became full blown anxiety and death became more appealing that it did 6 years ago.
~ end of backstory.
Now that you have an idea of the "16's", I shall move forward in telling this story.
I will start from where I am now. To those around me, I seem to be doing better. But in all honesty, I am probably worse. The increase in insomnia, aches in chest, clenching hand of death on my physical and metaphorical heart, emotional baggage, lack of belief in the only God I have ever known to seek strength in and an increase in genuine distrust in people.
This is where I am at.
This year, I've been stolen from. I've been emotionally distraught. I've been battered and bruised and I kept standing up. I keep wanting someone to say that they are proud of me. But I hear the opposite words from those around me. I have to be proud of myself for not defying life and taking mine.
This year; because of the lack of self esteem, worth and apparent mental and emotional instability, I turned to those around me for support. Be it, that they were part of the chaos, they were my support.They supported me in ways that they could, not always the ways that I needed. It was logical, thought out and, some parts, quite cold. It was support none the less and its part of what has brought me to this place.
Since I've been on a mini break from university life, I was given the time to step back, get sloshed, receive a rude awakening from myself and that is where I realized that I have not relied on myself.
Every time I looked inward I forced myself to look at those around me, which made me feel worse about myself. The more people I was exposed to, the more I broke on the inside, the more I was tapped out of energy and the less of myself I became.
To some extent, when you have depression and it has gotten worse, by all means be surrounded by people. However, this year I have never gotten to that point, and I think by people, I don't think they meant (socially) close people, rather strangers. I assume... I hope.
When I was 16. I was surrounded by people, but they were never close enough to see the truth behind my eyes. And even if they did, they did not pry or try to change my state. This has happened in 2016. I was pried open so many times. Forced to deal with everything, so quickly... and maybe in a few months I will see the value, but right now, I do not.
I just see more hurt than I've been. Realizing, that maybe all of what has happened was not star-crossed, but just the universe forcing me to get to this place. So close to peace, but actually seeing that peace is achievable.
I am tired. Tired of changing and pushing and pulling and being and not being, Not being the bubble everyone sees, not being the daughter enough to keep my mother believing in her ideal for my life.. not being the me, those around me see. I am so tired! So f***ing tired!
I want my life to end. I want my life to begin. I am tired of this place. Tired of the emotions. The mindset. The people. The feelings. I am exhaustively tired.
I have never wanted a year to end this badly as I have this one. It seems like the number "16" is not a good one for me.
Some backstory: When I was 16 years old, I fell in love. Then that love broke my heart and that was the first time I felt true heartache. Losing love. In the year 2016, after four years of regaining that love, I lost it again- or rather I fell out of love, thus it wasn't really losing love. However, that realization was as painful as losing love. But this is not the only issues I've had with the "16's". When I was 16 I realized that I was a depressive, despite my optimistic functioning. In 2016, the depressive nature became full blown anxiety and death became more appealing that it did 6 years ago.
~ end of backstory.
Now that you have an idea of the "16's", I shall move forward in telling this story.
I will start from where I am now. To those around me, I seem to be doing better. But in all honesty, I am probably worse. The increase in insomnia, aches in chest, clenching hand of death on my physical and metaphorical heart, emotional baggage, lack of belief in the only God I have ever known to seek strength in and an increase in genuine distrust in people.
This is where I am at.
This year, I've been stolen from. I've been emotionally distraught. I've been battered and bruised and I kept standing up. I keep wanting someone to say that they are proud of me. But I hear the opposite words from those around me. I have to be proud of myself for not defying life and taking mine.
This year; because of the lack of self esteem, worth and apparent mental and emotional instability, I turned to those around me for support. Be it, that they were part of the chaos, they were my support.They supported me in ways that they could, not always the ways that I needed. It was logical, thought out and, some parts, quite cold. It was support none the less and its part of what has brought me to this place.
Since I've been on a mini break from university life, I was given the time to step back, get sloshed, receive a rude awakening from myself and that is where I realized that I have not relied on myself.
Every time I looked inward I forced myself to look at those around me, which made me feel worse about myself. The more people I was exposed to, the more I broke on the inside, the more I was tapped out of energy and the less of myself I became.
To some extent, when you have depression and it has gotten worse, by all means be surrounded by people. However, this year I have never gotten to that point, and I think by people, I don't think they meant (socially) close people, rather strangers. I assume... I hope.
When I was 16. I was surrounded by people, but they were never close enough to see the truth behind my eyes. And even if they did, they did not pry or try to change my state. This has happened in 2016. I was pried open so many times. Forced to deal with everything, so quickly... and maybe in a few months I will see the value, but right now, I do not.
I just see more hurt than I've been. Realizing, that maybe all of what has happened was not star-crossed, but just the universe forcing me to get to this place. So close to peace, but actually seeing that peace is achievable.
I am tired. Tired of changing and pushing and pulling and being and not being, Not being the bubble everyone sees, not being the daughter enough to keep my mother believing in her ideal for my life.. not being the me, those around me see. I am so tired! So f***ing tired!
I want my life to end. I want my life to begin. I am tired of this place. Tired of the emotions. The mindset. The people. The feelings. I am exhaustively tired.
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