Mental Block

After the implosion last week, I had to look inward and rest. I went to my friends place and we had lunch together. I had two dinners this week with two other friends and planning more as my time in Japan is coming to close. This week I also practiced gratitude. Reflecting upon the connections I have made and share with those around me, I was reminded about how blessed I am. I have family looking out for me, I have friends to vent to and laugh with. I am truly grateful for the people that I share my life with. And I am grateful that I have poeple to share my life with. I am starting to feel more whole, unsteady still, but whole. I am learning to unmask and be my authentic self. No matter how AuDHD it may be. It's rough because I still internalise rejection too much, and some times I am unaware of all my emotional processes and then get overwhelmed with everything happening inside of me. Even right now I am trying to process what I am feeling, instead of just intellectualising every...

 I don't know what is wrong with me today. My head won't stop hurting. My eyes want to cry. I feel hope and dread all at the same time. It feels as though I'm spiralling inward. It feels as though my thoughts are not my own. As though my emotions are a vague afterimage. As though I am gasping for air and yet no molecule fills my lungs.  Good things are happening in my life. Things are going as well as they could. I am reminded about how loved I am constantly.  And yet, every sound makes my ears ring. Everything is numb to the touch. My senses can't bare this existence. The cards might have been right. The tower appeared in a reading this week. When I saw it, I understood what was coming. I also understood that this is a time for perseverance. I feel lost. I feel as though I could just run away. All I want is for someone to take the reigns for a bit, while I rest.  Maybe I overestimated my capabilities. Believing that I could take on everything that I have. Even ...