Mental Block

D ear Minecraft, You have been a joy to have in my life.   Yesterday, I quote-tweeted a tweet listing 5 games that made me the gamer I am today. You were not on my list, since I only recently started playing you, but you were on many other peoples’ lists. It was really nice to track back the thread to see peoples’ defining games.   See, I remember when you were released. I was in high school and some of my friends gave you a try. At that point in my life I was really into Portal 2 and Torchlight 2. Previously, I used to play shooter and action games on console and in arcades; and I used to play puzzle games, NFS and The Sims on PC. The only mobile games I used to play were card games, like Solitaire, Free Cell, Pyramid, etc. on my phone. I barely knew you and I wasn’t too interested in you.   Your graphics was blocky and pixel-filled. You colour gradient didn’t sit right with my soul and your avatars weren’t as customisable. I gave you a look-see on my friend’s computer, ...

Frustration has filled my heart and mind again. I have been exhausting myself looking at my external world and comparing myself to others. Questioning myself. Questioning if I am authentic or if I have narcissistic behaviours or if I am disliked or if there is purpose in my social exclusion or if I am simply just broken and people see through my façade and choose not to associate with me.   I am tired of my brain and how it makes my body and mind feel. My reality has become so clouded. I constantly feel like I am fighting to believe the truth of my reality than what my brain has decided what reality is.   Since my last post, I decided to have a look at some of those drafted posts from previous versions of my blogs. In one post, I read my thoughts and feelings about sitting against the wall of my bedroom contemplating my social standing amongst my friends and how I deserved to mentally beat myself up over something trivial like not spending time around people. That wa...

Lately, I have been caught in a thought cycle, a loop of sorts. By lately, I mean since roughly 2017. Sometimes I forget about the cycle and everything seems normal. Then there days, weeks, months where the cycle eats at my brain. When that happens, I am reminded of the title of this blog: "Mental Block". That is what the cycle feels like: a mental block.   It feels like I'm on the edge of making an important self-discovery or a breakthrough I've been needing or an epiphany. But the breakthrough doesn't happen. An epiphany never occurs. And the cycle is forgotten. Until it happens again. Then I'm left with the awaiting emptiness of an important self-discovery that never occurs. Now, back to the title of this blog. What you may not know, if you're a recent visitor to my blog, is that this blog has gone through many iterations. When I first started this blog, I was 15 turning 16 years old. It was the place where I wrote about my day, my week, what wa...