Mental Block

 I need to clean out my apartment.   This apartment has been my home for the past 5 years and 10 months. It feels surreal to verbalise that. I truly think my younger self would be proud of me. I moved out at 23 years old and began life in a whole new country across the ocean in a different hemisphere.  This year I turn 30, and I am savouring my 29. I am happy with my twenties, I feel like I was able to get a little bit closer to my authentic self. I don't know all of who my authentic self is, but I want to continue to get to know her. I want to embrace her. My younger self would be happy to know that I am living the life I dreamed of. I am happy with my life. But I will miss my home. This tiny apartment that is mine. That has held me at worst. That made space for me at my best. This apartment has had joyful moments, intimate moments, and its fair share of fights, arguments, and breakdowns...This apartment remembers what I have forgotten. It has been my safe place, and it ...

I have encountered a wall. This wall feels terrifying, yet familiar. In my mind, I have been walking along the side of this wall, tracing it with my fingers as I explore it. I wonder when it got that tall. I wonder when it became so expansive. I wonder when it became so encompassing. I wonder when each crack formed. I wonder when each crack was repaired. I walk beside the wall and begin to cry. Why was it there? When did it get there? What is it dividing? What is its purpose? Has it been shielding me? For how long? Why am I faced with it now? I look deeper and keep walking. I am on the verge of finding a door or making one. This wall feels important.  I remember when I was a teenager and I watched a Swoozie animation video and he was telling a story about being guarded and guarding your heart. Even at church, I was taught to guard my heart. I feel like I took both messages very seriously. I remember telling my friend about how my heart is guarded by lasers and watchdogs and walls u...