Mental Block

It's been a weird year. Before I knew it, I found myself in a new country, a new job, and a new relationship. There were many times I wished I wrote or blogged, but alas, I did not. I had no strength, no mental or emotional capacity, and I kept finding excuses not to write. But before time flies even more than it has, I thought I should make a quick review post about how it has been being thirty. Turning thirty felt like crossing an invisible threshold, leaving behind the uncertainties of my twenties. Yet, the reality was more nuanced. The new country brought with it a whirlwind of cultural adjustments, from navigating unfamiliar social norms to deciphering a language that danced just beyond my comprehension. Each day was a lesson in humility and resilience. The new job, while exciting, demanded a steep learning curve. I often found myself questioning my capabilities, wondering if I had bitten off more than I could chew. Impostor syndrome became a frequent, unwelcome companion. Yet...

I am holding my breath...waiting for the right moment to breathe again. My eyes are closed my head is spinning. I am shrouded in a fog that I cannot see through. I am wading through an unknown and there are moments I feel alone. I wonder who I can turn to.. I wonder if I should turn to anyone. I am holding my breath and I am suffocating... It seems like waiting is all I'm ever doing these days. Waiting for paperwork. Waiting for opportunities. Waiting for people. Waiting for the stove to get warm. I feel as though I am going no where slowly and I am just waiting for who knows what. Hopefully, I'll look back on this post in a few months and know what I have been waiting for, because by then I would have surely experienced what I've been waiting for. Anyway, a month ago I was in Japan, in my tiny, messy apartment. Now, I am back in the room I grew up in. A room I decorated and painted. A room filled with so many memories, so much so that it feels as though I have been thrust ...

Currently, I am trying to let go and I am trying to do what I must. These two things feel like opposite ends of the spectrum, but at the same time maybe doing what I must is to let go. Either way, this does not take away the overwhelm. This does not remove the anxiety because what I am experiencing is normal. Any human being would feel overwhelmed when going through big life changes. I am moving from one country to the next. I am expecting reverse culture shock and new culture shock. A lot of things have been within my realm of expectation, but, boy, was my body not prepared. The physical anxiety, the breathlessness, the constant suffocating feeling, the feeling like I am drowning, and, oh my goodness, the restlessness. How can one be so tired, yet so restless? It's all counter-intuitive.  And yet, here I am.

Lately, I feel like I am in between realities: that which I live in and that which I desire. I want to feel connected to my spiritual self again, but I feel as though my ego keeps pulling me to whatever is in front of me.  What am I distracting myself from? What am I avoiding? What do I not want to come to terms with? I guess this is why people reach out to others. This is why you shouldn't face big things alone.  For most of June, I have not been social, or not as social as I was in May. At the beginning of June, I started feeling waves of exhaustion and before I knew it, it is one week away from the end of June and then it'll be a couple of weeks before my life changes again.  I don't feel ready. I thought I was. I know I just have to do what's in front of me, but at the same time, I need to keep an eye on the bigger picture. A while ago, I wrote a post on change. It seems like this situation I find myself in is calling for me to put those words into practice. I don...

 I need to clean out my apartment.   This apartment has been my home for the past 5 years and 10 months. It feels surreal to verbalise that. I truly think my younger self would be proud of me. I moved out at 23 years old and began life in a whole new country across the ocean in a different hemisphere.  This year I turn 30, and I am savouring my 29. I am happy with my twenties, I feel like I was able to get a little bit closer to my authentic self. I don't know all of who my authentic self is, but I want to continue to get to know her. I want to embrace her. My younger self would be happy to know that I am living the life I dreamed of. I am happy with my life. But I will miss my home. This tiny apartment that is mine. That has held me at worst. That made space for me at my best. This apartment has had joyful moments, intimate moments, and its fair share of fights, arguments, and breakdowns...This apartment remembers what I have forgotten. It has been my safe place, and it ...

I have encountered a wall. This wall feels terrifying, yet familiar. In my mind, I have been walking along the side of this wall, tracing it with my fingers as I explore it. I wonder when it got that tall. I wonder when it became so expansive. I wonder when it became so encompassing. I wonder when each crack formed. I wonder when each crack was repaired. I walk beside the wall and begin to cry. Why was it there? When did it get there? What is it dividing? What is its purpose? Has it been shielding me? For how long? Why am I faced with it now? I look deeper and keep walking. I am on the verge of finding a door or making one. This wall feels important.  I remember when I was a teenager and I watched a Swoozie animation video and he was telling a story about being guarded and guarding your heart. Even at church, I was taught to guard my heart. I feel like I took both messages very seriously. I remember telling my friend about how my heart is guarded by lasers and watchdogs and walls u...

After the implosion last week, I had to look inward and rest. I went to my friends place and we had lunch together. I had two dinners this week with two other friends and planning more as my time in Japan is coming to close. This week I also practiced gratitude. Reflecting upon the connections I have made and share with those around me, I was reminded about how blessed I am. I have family looking out for me, I have friends to vent to and laugh with. I am truly grateful for the people that I share my life with. And I am grateful that I have poeple to share my life with. I am starting to feel more whole, unsteady still, but whole. I am learning to unmask and be my authentic self. No matter how AuDHD it may be. It's rough because I still internalise rejection too much, and some times I am unaware of all my emotional processes and then get overwhelmed with everything happening inside of me. Even right now I am trying to process what I am feeling, instead of just intellectualising every...

 I don't know what is wrong with me today. My head won't stop hurting. My eyes want to cry. I feel hope and dread all at the same time. It feels as though I'm spiralling inward. It feels as though my thoughts are not my own. As though my emotions are a vague afterimage. As though I am gasping for air and yet no molecule fills my lungs.  Good things are happening in my life. Things are going as well as they could. I am reminded about how loved I am constantly.  And yet, every sound makes my ears ring. Everything is numb to the touch. My senses can't bare this existence. The cards might have been right. The tower appeared in a reading this week. When I saw it, I understood what was coming. I also understood that this is a time for perseverance. I feel lost. I feel as though I could just run away. All I want is for someone to take the reigns for a bit, while I rest.  Maybe I overestimated my capabilities. Believing that I could take on everything that I have. Even ...

Life has demanded change again and I am a willing participant this time. I look forward to what is in store for me, however, I am concerned.  I am not the same as I was when my last significant life change happen and I feel wildly unprepared. As much as I want change to happen...no, need change to happen, I feel as though I have been thrust back into the past.  I recall when I turned 18. My friends were getting their university acceptance letters and I was waiting for my au pair application to be accepted. It took months before my au pair profile even went online. By the end, nothing came of it. My future plans fell through and I decided to go to university instead.  I enjoyed university and a path to carve out my future seemed doable. I achieved some great milestones since.  I look back and think about how dreadful it was suddenly to be in charge of my future. I was only 18 and had to make so many life-defining decisions. I barely felt capable when I was 22. And now...

 My previous post was a heavy one.  I miss my past self. She was innocent and kind. Not saying that my present self is not. It's just that I have become an "adult" and those things seem a bit removed from my present self. However, I've been assured that I still bare them. Anyway. I am struggling to move forward. I am honestly betting on my moving and my future self to do things I presently cannot do. I feel like I am locked in a certain mindset and I cannot find a way out. I hope that throwing myself into the deep end will light a fire in my soul to be more than who I currently am. I want to create things. I want to add to the world. I want to make my dreams come true as I have learned I can. I want to find opportunities and make opportunities. I want to redefine my life and my identity. I have so much of the world in me. I want to explore it all. I want to give myself all the love I have given to others which I had not spent on myself.  I want to rekindle the bubble ...

These days I have had a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind. I've been longing to articulate them, but the will to start typing constantly left my body. I miss writing. I miss the catharsis that came with it. I miss how easy it was to say what I was feeling.  Nowadays, understanding myself has become a challenge. There are some days when I want to let it all go. Live in present, explore mindfulness. And some days I do. Other days I sleep. Lately, love has been on my mind. Being in love. Exploring love. Remembering love. There is a past love that seems to be the hardest to heal. For some reason, every so often I remember it. I don't regret ending the relationship, I just miss the joy the relationship brought me. Being with my best friend. Growing and learning together. I miss the deep, true and honest love that came with it. I am glad that was my first love. As I head into my mid-adulthood, I find that I cannot accept anything less than what my first love had offered me. I am gl...

 It is about time I talk about my mental health journey. Over the years I have always thought that I was quirky but normal. I thought that I just had "an abstract way of thinking and processing". I understood people but people did not understand me. Eventually, I started dating this person. He understood the mind, more than most, and he started explaining myself... to me.  I learned that I had anxiety disorders. I began to be able to assign words to depressive symptoms. I finally had the vocabulary to understand my heart, mind and struggles better. My mind was definitely not "normal".  It explained why I could see the patterns when others couldn't, it explained why I made many mistakes but expressed wisdom. It explained why my thinking was abstract and why I lived outside myself. I was in survival mode. My mind and body did what they did to cope. I redefined myself as anxious but high functioning. Because I learned ways to "cope" and seem normal while ...

The International Association of the Study of Pain newly defines pain as “an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage.” Additionally, pain is always a personal experience that is influenced to varying degrees by biological, psychological, and social factors. Pain and nociception are different phenomena. Pain cannot be inferred solely from activity in sensory neurons. Through their life experiences, individuals learn the concept of pain. A person’s report of an experience as pain should be respected. Although pain usually serves an adaptive role, it may have adverse effects on function and social and psychological well-being. Verbal description is only one of several behaviors to express pain; inability to communicate does not negate the possibility that a human or a nonhuman animal experiences pain.   [IASP and the IASP Task Force, 2020]   Pain is a terrifying thing. We human being...

Last week, I had a week off from work. As you may have noticed by now, I have been in quite the depressive and anxious state for a while now. So with this time I would have off, I thought long and hard about what I would do with it.   I knew I did not want to spend it in ‘otaku’ hermit-mode. And I knew that I wanted to spend it outside my usual routine. I thought about going somewhere, like a mini vacation. I thought I should spend it in nature. Anything outside my usual space was an option. But as the universe would have it, I spent it with people. People I haven’t seen in almost two years, even though we live in the same city. It was surprising to myself that I chose people to spend my time on. Nonetheless, I did it. It started with a terrace lounge and a DJ I thought was cute. It’s been a while since I had a crush on someone and this was probably to dopamine distraction that I needed. I decided to ride the dopamine wave. I took the momentum I got from that wave and ...

Let’s talk about body image.   For as long as I can remember, I, like many women out there, have struggled with body image issues. Over the years, I’ve been learning to accept myself in all its parts. However, in moments like where I am now, I feel complete rejection for the way my body looks. Momements like these, come and go throughtout my life. But right now, this moment that I am in started two years ago when I met someone who was facing his own body image issues.   I wish I could have opened up more to this person about my own issues, but when we people look at me, they tend to not believe that I could have such issues or they don’t take it as seriously as I feel them. I portray myself as confident, but I don’t necessarily feel confident. Or cute or sexy or whatever adjective people use to describe the way I look or perceive me as. Except for pretty. I think I do have a pretty face.   Anyway, while talking to this person, he would often talk about his b...

 It's in the little things. This thought has been swirling in my mind for the past week. Since my last post, I've been paying attention to the things I do when my mind betrays me. Whether that be in ruminating thoughts or anxiety or even when depression comes).  While reflecting on this, I was reminded of the little things.  People always talk about the little things concerning relationships. It's the small shared moments that make up the sweet retrospective memories. Or it's the little things that each partner does to support the other person. Or it's the friend sending a meme when their friend is having a bad day. But the little things can also be applied to you. The things you can do when your mind is incapacitating your body. This post is to show appreciation and pride in the little things I do that helps me. The little delights that I do for myself. The heartwarming things others have done to/for me in the past that I apply to me now. Let's start with my fa...

 I want to cry.  Everything makes me cry these days. It is as if my heart has a bleeding wound. Constant oozing of something...emotion? Pain? Anger? Sadness? Regret?  I have been struggling with social situations lately. Actually, I think it's since last year when too much loss occurred in my life.  See the problem isn't with me interacting with people or being in group type social environments. And I don't think it's because of the pandemic either. As I am a teacher and teaching is a fairly social job especially when you have to go to work during a pandemic.  Anyway, back to point. I've noticed that group environments are too distracting for me. I can have fun, but I find it hard to make authentic connections. I never used to socialise just for fun. There was always a purpose. When I'm with my friends, it's usually fine. The purpose then is to connect and spend time with them. But when there are people I don't know. I begin the journey to get to know ev...

D ear Minecraft, You have been a joy to have in my life.   Yesterday, I quote-tweeted a tweet listing 5 games that made me the gamer I am today. You were not on my list, since I only recently started playing you, but you were on many other peoples’ lists. It was really nice to track back the thread to see peoples’ defining games.   See, I remember when you were released. I was in high school and some of my friends gave you a try. At that point in my life I was really into Portal 2 and Torchlight 2. Previously, I used to play shooter and action games on console and in arcades; and I used to play puzzle games, NFS and The Sims on PC. The only mobile games I used to play were card games, like Solitaire, Free Cell, Pyramid, etc. on my phone. I barely knew you and I wasn’t too interested in you.   Your graphics was blocky and pixel-filled. You colour gradient didn’t sit right with my soul and your avatars weren’t as customisable. I gave you a look-see on my friend’s computer, ...

Frustration has filled my heart and mind again. I have been exhausting myself looking at my external world and comparing myself to others. Questioning myself. Questioning if I am authentic or if I have narcissistic behaviours or if I am disliked or if there is purpose in my social exclusion or if I am simply just broken and people see through my façade and choose not to associate with me.   I am tired of my brain and how it makes my body and mind feel. My reality has become so clouded. I constantly feel like I am fighting to believe the truth of my reality than what my brain has decided what reality is.   Since my last post, I decided to have a look at some of those drafted posts from previous versions of my blogs. In one post, I read my thoughts and feelings about sitting against the wall of my bedroom contemplating my social standing amongst my friends and how I deserved to mentally beat myself up over something trivial like not spending time around people. That wa...

Lately, I have been caught in a thought cycle, a loop of sorts. By lately, I mean since roughly 2017. Sometimes I forget about the cycle and everything seems normal. Then there days, weeks, months where the cycle eats at my brain. When that happens, I am reminded of the title of this blog: "Mental Block". That is what the cycle feels like: a mental block.   It feels like I'm on the edge of making an important self-discovery or a breakthrough I've been needing or an epiphany. But the breakthrough doesn't happen. An epiphany never occurs. And the cycle is forgotten. Until it happens again. Then I'm left with the awaiting emptiness of an important self-discovery that never occurs. Now, back to the title of this blog. What you may not know, if you're a recent visitor to my blog, is that this blog has gone through many iterations. When I first started this blog, I was 15 turning 16 years old. It was the place where I wrote about my day, my week, what wa...