Mental Block

Growing up I was at loss of what to become in the future. What career to pursue. What skills I should hone to set me on that career path. And most of all, what job should I do for the rest of my life.   When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be like my mom: a nurse. When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a teacher like my dad. For a brief period when I was 9 years old, I wanted to become an archaeologist. Shortly after, I changed my mind and from 9 to 11 years old I wanted to become an "Earth Scientist" ( not that I knew what that meant at the time). But I was not a favourite of my science and math teachers, so I felt like I was not smart enough compared to their favourites. So I gave up. Eventually when I got highschool, I decided that economic safety is best and I should rather become a charted accountant.   This is where things changed. I felt inadequate constantly. I was put in classes where the majority of the students always averaged way...

Slouching. Thinking. Coffee.   On Tuesday night I prayed. I haven't prayed proper in over a year. I prayed without expectation and a lack of belief in the words I spoke. I didn't know what to expect or ask for. So I said thank you and gave Him a life update. Like one of my 20 minute podcast voice notes I usually send to my friends.   When I left South Africa and moved to Japan, I felt like I was taking a step into the right direction. A direction I dreamed about for such a long time. Japan was the home I desired.   I also decided that I would be social. That I would drag that social butterfly out, which I knew in high school, and network, go out, and create a community of people who would become "my usual crowd". Let me say one thing. That did not happen. Well, it happened for a little bit, and then it died. And then I found myself closing up and shutting out the people I've come know here.   I decided that Japan will not be the place I fin...